Category Archives: i tell you…

my new life

cmash

My new life, according to the scientific game of M.A.S.H.

*Live in a SHACK

*Married to Leonardo Dicaprio

*Pet Lion

*Five children

*Live in Chicago

*Work as a diner waitress (I was thinking at the HoJo diner I like to frequent. Those waitresses are absolute dolls.)

Not too shabby. And the answer to your question is yes – people over the age of 16 do still play M.A.S.H. on occasion.

I don’t trust people who…

        don’t cut their hair

        are morning radio personalities

        hate animals

        ride people’s ass on the road

        want to see the movie “New In Town”

        run outside when the temperature is literally in the negatives

        don’t enjoy the occasional fast food binge

        still own beepers (doctors and drug dealers excluded of course)

        think Jay Leno is laugh out loud funny

        use too much hair product

        don’t secretly wish they were an incredible dancer – the type that has circles form around them on the dance floor

–      aren’t ticklish

        have more than five children…maybe six

        use the word “kewl” without irony

–      have a first name as their surname

welcome back to my so-called life

I like to take this moment to recognize the cast of “My So-Called Life” reemergence back into the public eye. I’ve missed you all greatly.

Exhibit A: Wilson Cruz a.k.a the “Gay Guy”

First he wowed us as the lost, sexually confused teenager. Now, he can be found uttering the words “I just got hard” as part of Miss Drew Barrymore’s gay entourage in “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

Well done Rickie!

 

 Exhibit B: Tom Irwin a.k.a one of the only non-teenagers in So-Called.

lawyer

No teenager likes their Dad just like no one likes lawyers. But I like anyone that has any kind of affiliation to Lost.

Bravo Tom!

 

 

Exhibit C: Claire Danes a.k.a. The Only Other Actor Whose Name You Recognize From The Show Besides Jared Leto

Well, she’s been in ongoing films but she was just in the news lately for getting engaged. No, not to Jared Leto (but you may know him as hearthrob Jordon Catalano). To the heaththrob from “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”

Other noteworthy accomplishment: She was able to get frisky with Steve Martin in “Shopgirl.”

Not too bad Angela, not too bad at all.

 

Looks like the cast will have lots to talk about at this year’s 15th reunion. On a side note: It’s been 15 years since “My So-Called Life???” Holy shit.

someone in the world is actually wearing this

momToday I saw someone wearing this ring. Well, it wasn’t actually that exact ring – in fact, it was worse. Try to imagine something, how do I say… “classed down.” It was gold all around (without the fancy design) and the bold letters M-O-M spelled out in pure bling (in this case bling = rhinestones).

I noticed this ring for the simple fact that I am immediately drawn to shiny and bright objects. I saw some blang on her finger and just assumed someone had “put a raang on it,” a rather obnoxious ring but still a wedding ring none the less. But then her hand shifted and I was able to read the ring. “MOM” it said as pure as Las Vegas lights. Mom!

Now realizing that I do not know my left from right when I am not able to hold up my hand and distinguish which one is the correct “L”, I realize that the piece of jewelry is not even on her wedding ring finger. Oh, there is no ring finger there. It kind of makes me sad. I quickly begin formulating this woman’s story in my head:

As a 50-something mom who still appears to be active and lives in the city, her kids became her life after a troublesome divorce with the man she met and fell in love with in college. They went there separate ways after having kids – he become absorbed in his work while she made her kids her life. Now, even more so, she focuses purely on her kids – the only things that she finds true joy in any more.

I imagine this ring was found in a J.C. Penny’s ad scattered on the kitchen table one morning and her little child thought to him or herself, “Ohhh, look it says ‘Mom'” and so he or she got it with saved up allowance money, or perhaps all her kids split it. They presented it to their mom on Christmas morning and her eyes welled up with tears of joy and she thought, “This is why I’m here. I was meant to raise and love these kids.”

Because, really, why the hell else would she be wearing such a hideous ring?

If I ever choose to reproduce I’d much rather receive some bling similar to Tracy Morgan’s #1 DAD necklace. Now that’s what I’m talking about. Blanged Out!

CTA bus drivers: crashing straight into your heart and mine in the year 2009

It was Sunday. The temperatures had dropped dramatically and as I was just about ready to pee my pants for some sense of warmth, yet another Broadway bus passes me by. Where oh where is the Clark #22? But alas! Just as I finished my 37th jumping jack to get my blood circulating once again a mysterious bus, sans any route number, pulls up. The bus driver motions to me that this is in fact the Clark bus.

I hope aboard, beep beep my CTA card, and am relieved to look up and find that I will not be grouped inappropriately by other members of the bus this evening. I proceed down the aisle until I hear the bus driver calling me back. What happened next went as follows:

Bus Driver: Excuse me ma’am…

Moi’: Oh, yes?

BD: Didn’t I see you earlier today?

M: Umm…I don’t know. Maybe? (polite and slightly nervous laughter)

BD: I saw you walking on the street and I thought to myself: ‘Ohhh, that girl in the brown boots right there is. so. fine. I wish. I was. her boyfriend.’

M: —- (stunned look)

Quickly look around to see if I’m being Punk’d or Hidden Camera-ed, then remember those shows no longer exist. Remember that new, dreadful looking show “Howie Do it” with Howie Mandel where H. Man dresses incognito and pranks people. Check for hit of baldness with a side of triangular-shaped facial hair that resembles lip drool. Hm, nope.

BD: Now you have yourself a very happy new year.

M: Ha! Thanks! You too!

I walk towards the back of the bus feeling like the hottest thing to step on bus #22 since 2008 and sit down. Then, as if I didn’t already love this overweight, hairy bus driver enough, he does something to make the entire bus fall under his spell. Apparently the number display outside the bus wasn’t the only thing not working on this bus. (Sure glad those CTA hikes happened.) Its intercom announcing the upcoming stops was also bust. So, in the sultry, seductive likeness of Billy Dee Williams, the driver begins to announce each stop in the exact manner as the automated voiceover. The bus is delighted! (read: the bus is me. the other eight people don’t giving a flying fuck or don’t notice because they’re busy jammin’ to the likes of “Pussy Monster” by Lil’ Wayne.)

Oh. Here comes my stop. (“Approaching Clark and Aldine/School.”) How shall I plan my exit? Do I go out of my way to exit through the first door near my CTA lover? Do I give him a gentle nipple squeeze on the way out to show my appreciation? Perhaps I could do a discreet boob grab while exiting the rear doors? Nah. I’ll just walk out. But oh that bus driver, he wouldn’t just let me sneak on by… As I wait for the bus to drive past me so I can cross, he in slow-motion waves to me and gives me a look as if to say, “I will haunt your dreams forever.”

And he has.

top annoyances of 2008

  1. facebook albums for every weekend
  2. as previously mentioned, the RedEye’s sad attempts at being witty
  3. time left over on the microwave (seriously, what’s the point of taking out your lean cuisine 2 seconds earlier? It was emitting sounds ready to explode? Oh okay, well at least clear the damn time so we can see the clock.)
  4. getting to second base with three complete strangers each day during my commute. thank you CTA
  5. twilight
  6. when people assume you know all their friends (who the hell is alex, marcy and jacob? we just met, how am i suppose to know your friends?)
  7. chicago politicans with bad hair and bad politics
  8. people who are constantly surprised by the time of year (read: I can’t believe it’s already Christmas time.)
  9. anyone named joe (plumber, six-pack, body builder, shmoe, coffee shop employee, etc.)
  10. michael phelps (sorry america)

top amazing-ly-ness of 2008

  1. President Barack Obama
  2. Sarah Palin – you couldn’t have made that stuff up
  3. asian balls (no, not that kind – this kind.)
  4. tandem bicycles
  5. the ridiculousness that is…SPEIDI (again, sorry america)
  6. $5 footlong (the commercials more so than the actual sub. i’m more so a fan of the six inch sub of the day.)
  7. Paul Rudd’s return to mainstream society
  8. real housewives of atlanta – those bitches are real (housewives of atlanta) 
  9. brit brit makes a comeback (docommercialry, hit songs and all)
  10. all the previously mentioned annoyances – without them this blog would not be possible.

happy 75th everyone

booze

Today marks the 75th anniversary since the repeal of the Prohibition. So go hogwild today and show everyone why they placed this ban on us in the first place!

Legal message: Please drink responsibly.