please do not marry me

Okay, okay. I get it; men are scared of that final commitment – marriage. It’s some men’s belief that the day they get married is the day they must castrate themselves, thereby handing over their balls to a woman who will now control them for the rest of their lives, resulting in their “fun time” being restricted to the occasional Sunday they’re given permission to watch football and have a maximum of four beers.

 

Well, that’s getting off easyaccording to nomarriage.com! The site has written off marriage and serves as a “Public Service Announcement” to other men about the downfalls of marrying (everything) and the horror that is American women. It cautions men against any woman who actually believes in love, is interested in a successful career, and strives for personal growth and self-improvement. Like I said, horror!

 

Although deemed as a PSA, the site is really nothing more than a shamelessly extensive plug for some book describing the same thing: the awful downfalls of American women and marriage. I’m guessing the target audience is men who want to justify the fact that they haven’t had sex in about five years or those looking for an excuse to tell themselves for why they’ve never gone on an actual date. Maybe surprisingly, the site isn’t for men looking to “play the game” (that can be found here). In fact, the site directs those types to learn how to stop being controlled by “pussy” and instead, strive to make money so they can travel and find the only acceptable wife, a Latin American woman. Apparently the women there do not have “pussies.”

 

The content of the site leaves me feeling a bit bewildered. Not because I uphold the sanctity of marriage. That got thrown out the window with the climbing divorce rates, Prop 8 and the demise of Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s marriage. (If they can’t do it, no one can.) And not because I take issue with those challenging the supposed “norms” of society. It’s because the site is so extreme that it’s laughable. Some premier examples include, but are not limited to:

 

“A modern western woman is raised to become an awful wife. Nothing can be done about it; the problems are in her head and they are 100% incurable and only get worse the more you are with her.”

 

“Children are overrated.”

 

Fucking decent mid-priced whores twice a week is a lot less expensive than a wife.”

 

These ludicrous statements cause me to wonder just what the hell happened to these individuals to make them such radicals. Is this because you didn’t hit puberty until 25? Is it because you fell in love with someone who didn’t give a flying fuck about you? Is it because you didn’t loose your virginity until your 30s…or at all? Is it because your best friend stole the love of your life? I mean what?!?!

 

The truth of the matter is that these men will never be happy – even if they find the ultimate goal of a Latin American woman – because they’re the type of people that find fault in everything. The type that bitches about being too hot when they take a winter vacation to the Caribbean; the one that whines after they receive a gift because they really wanted something better; the type that spends more time complaining than it would take to rectify the situation. Basically, assholes.

 

All I have to say is, thank God none of you are procreating.

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